Sometimes I run away. From people, from things I should or want to do, from feelings… It is the same with writing. I love to bring my word on paper (or on the screen), but a lot of times I am actually scared to sort out the thoughts in my head. And there is also the fear of not being good enough. Something I have been trying to shake off for a while now.
But.. it is getting better. People might think I chose to travel to run away from my problems. And while I find it is true that you carry your past, your baggage and your problems with you until you are able to let go, getting on a plane to fly to the other side of the world has opened myself up to possibilities, to feeling alive and to helping me solve issues I had for a while. Being able to see that things can be different and being somewhere where nobody already had an opinion about me, definitely set me free.
“Don’t surrender all your joy for an idea you used to have about yourself that isn’t true anymore.” – Cheryl Strayed
It is not always easy. But travelling has been one of the most rewarding and life-changing experiences for me. Even if just for a while, it makes you stay in the present moment. This is what counts.
When I went to New Zealand, I was actually surprised how many people approached me in such positive ways and made me actually think ‘Hey, maybe I’m not that bad’. While long-term you shouldn’t rely on outside acknowledgement of course, sometimes you just need a little push and appreciation to start to like yourself. And also, to realise that maybe life is not out to get you, but that it can open up like a beautiful flower with the most stunning colours. That you don’t have to be stuck, that you are not a helpless victim. In my first year abroad, for the first time in my life I actually felt like I didn’t have to desperately make plans that I didn’t even feel convinced of, but that things just started to happen if I just didn’t worry too much or cling to certain situations or circumstances. Feeling that you can actually trust in the ‘flow’ of life (that sounds very new age haha), is something I value the most. And yes, I do sometimes loose this belief, but I have never again struggled with life so badly as before.
But in the back of my mind, I just know that at that point in my life, when I enjoyed life so much, when I knew even through struggles that this was exactly where I wanted to be, when I trusted that I would just be guided to the right places or the right people, everything was possible. This whole experience has left me with a kind of secure feeling that no job, house or possessions could have given me.
Things are different. I am different. I love life even when things get tough. Don’t let your fears hold you back. Nobody can live your life for you. There is so much to explore and discover in this world.